How leaders deal with defensiveness determines whether collaboration grows or stalls. Left unaddressed, defensiveness shuts down honest conversations and gets in the way of teams accomplishing what they’re up to. Yet the instinct most leaders reach for first usually backfires. Tell someone they’re being defensive, and you’ve just handed them one more thing to defend. Most of us carry the same cultural belief: it’s not okay to be defensive.
So if calling it out doesn’t work, what does? Here are five moves to effectively deal with defensiveness:
1. Recognize What You’re Actually Seeing
Slow down before you do anything. It’s important to recognize that defensiveness is your interpretation, not a fact. They could be taking a stand for something, or you could be misreading their intent, or projecting your own reaction onto them. You will be far more successful in dealing with the person if you approach the situation from the perspective of curiosity about what you perceive as defensiveness.
2. Center Yourself
Check in with yourself before you address anything. Defensiveness spreads fast, and if you’re reacting, you’ll make things worse. Get clear on what you’re trying to accomplish before you open your mouth.
3. Choose How to Move Forward
If you’re in a group situation and the behavior of the person you perceive is being defensive is disrupting the quality of the group interaction, then you may choose to deal with it immediately by saying:
“Let’s put this on hold a minute. Something about how we’re approaching this isn’t working.”
Call out your concern about what may be generating the behavior, action, or tone you’re interpreting as defensive: Resist saying “you’re being defensive.” Instead, get curious about what might be underneath it:
“I’m concerned you’re feeling misunderstood about this — are you?”
“Are you feeling attacked?”
“Is there something I’m saying that isn’t working for you?”
These questions let the other person lay down their defensiveness instead of reinforcing it.
4. Own Your Part in Their Defensive Reaction
See if you can find what you did or said that contributed to their reaction. When you recognize it, acknowledge it, and apologize if appropriate, it becomes much easier for the other person to let go of their defensiveness. You might say:
“I realize I didn’t help our conversation when I said you only seem to care about your own results, not the team’s. I apologize. My intent is to find a way for us to work more productively together, and that comment didn’t help us address what we need to deal with.”
5. Look for the Commitment Underneath the Defensiveness
Defensiveness is usually a signal that the person is committed and personally invested in their work. If someone is upset at being told they’re not a team player, it’s because being a team player matters to them. Approaching the conversation from this perspective is often the opening you need to move out of defensiveness.
Once someone has worked through their defensiveness, don’t rush back to the original conversation. Reconfirm what you both now understand, and look for any commitments you can make to handle these situations better in the future.
Every leader will face someone else’s defensiveness. As your competence grows in handling it, you’ll have far greater freedom in addressing difficult issues with people.
Chapter 5 of Leading the Collaborative Way is devoted entirely to dealing with defensiveness, and these five moves are just a taste of what’s there. If you want to deepen your understanding of defensiveness and expand your ability to create authentic, collaborative conversations when it arises get your copy on Amazon.
