Dealing effectively with defensiveness is critical to maintaining and cultivating a collaborative environment. But the instinct most leaders reach for first usually backfires. Think about the last time you told someone “You’re being defensive.” Did it land? Probably not. Defensiveness met with an accusation of defensiveness just produces more defensiveness. Most of us are carrying the same cultural belief: it’s not okay to be defensive. Name it, and you’ve handed them one more thing to defend.
So if naming it doesn’t work, what does?
First, recognize what you’re actually seeing. Slow down before you do anything. What looks like defensiveness might not be. They could be taking a stand on something real, or you could be misreading them, or projecting your own reaction onto them.
Four moves that actually work
1. Center yourself
Check in with your own body before you address anything. A breath, a moment to notice what’s tightening. Defensiveness spreads fast, and if you’re reacting, you’ll make things worse. Get clear on what you’re trying to accomplish before you open your mouth.
2. Name the concern, not the diagnosis
Stop the conversation if you need to: “Let’s put this on hold a minute. Something about how we’re approaching this isn’t working.” Resist saying “you’re being defensive.” Instead, name what might be underneath it: “I’m concerned you’re feeling misunderstood. Are you feeling attacked?” These questions open a door. The accusation closes one.
3. Own your part before you ask for theirs
This is the move most leaders skip. Before exploring what triggered them, look honestly at what you did. Did your tone shift? Did you talk over them? Find it, name it, even apologize, and their armor will most likely start to drop.
4. Look for the commitment underneath
Here’s the reframe that changes everything: nobody gets defensive about something they don’t care about. If someone is upset at being told they’re not a team player, it’s because being a team player matters to them. Defensiveness isn’t the opposite of commitment. It’s evidence of it. Here’s what that looked like in practice.
A real story, picking up where we left off
Remember the mediation from last month’s article? The owner, the hard-driving general manager, the moment the GM realized, through tears, he’d been explaining instead of listening his whole life.
That half-second window, where he chose curiosity over self-protection, wasn’t the end of the story. It was the opening.
The consultant didn’t let the moment evaporate. He guided both men to stay in the discomfort a little longer: to say out loud what they now understood, name what each had contributed to years of friction, and make a concrete commitment going forward. The owner agreed to name tension the moment he felt it, instead of letting it build for months. The GM asked for something simple in return: “If I start explaining instead of listening, just hold up your hand. I’ll catch myself.”
Notice what actually did the work here. Catching the armor coming off is the breakthrough. Building the agreement that keeps it off is the practice.
Close the loop, don’t just close the moment
Once someone has worked through their defensiveness, don’t rush back to the original conversation. Reconfirm what you both now understand, make a request or two about handling it next time, appreciate them for staying in it, then return to what you were discussing.
A short follow-up later tells the other person the commitment meant something.
Every leader will face someone else’s defensiveness. The question is never whether it shows up, but whether you’ll meet it with curiosity instead of correction. That’s the practice, and you’ll only get better at it by doing it again, and again, and noticing what you learn each time.
