Four years into practicing The Collaborative Way, leaders at one company were still asking: What are we missing about cleanups?
The team members knew how to have them. They had been taught the practice, and they did what they had been taught. When something was off between them, they had the conversation. They owned their part. They listened. They cleared the disconnect. But afterward, the behavior they were concerned about often remained. The other person kept doing the same thing, and the situation remained.
So the conclusion was understandable: “Cleanups didn’t work.”
Underneath that conclusion was a misunderstanding. They had come to measure the success of cleanup by whether the other person changed: if they did, the cleanup had worked; if they didn’t, it had been a waste of time. Frustration built, and eventually leaders stopped engaging with the practice.
That put the whole practice at risk, because The Collaborative Way doesn’t work without cleanups. When people stop clearing disconnects, they build up, and the trust the practice depends on erodes.
And that is the irony: a cleanup was never meant to fix anyone.
In a cleanup, you don’t try to convince someone that your interpretation is right or get them to see things your way. You take responsibility for the story you created and the way you responded to it. It is a leadership move inside the practice of Being For Each Other. It is not about changing someone’s behavior or getting them to see things your way. A cleanup clears the relationship so that other conversations can happen. You own your part. They own theirs. From there, you may need to make a request, offer correction, or address a commitment that isn’t being kept. A cleanup may be necessary, but it is not sufficient for putting in correction or holding someone accountable. Those are different conversations. A cleanup doesn’t replace them. It creates the possibility of having them with each other rather than against each other.
Here’s what that looks like. Say a colleague has been missing deadlines on work you depend on. You’ve experienced it as disrespect, and you’ve assumed they don’t take your work seriously. In a cleanup, you don’t hold a case against them. Instead, you might say:
“When the report came in late, I made up a story that you didn’t value my time. I didn’t check that with you, and I noticed I started being short with you. I’d like to understand what was going on for you.”
You’ve owned your interpretation and your behavior. Now there is room for them to share their experience, and for both of you to hear what is actually going on.
Often, the disconnect begins here: something happens, we experience an impact, and then we create a story about the other person’s intent. But intent and impact are not the same thing. To explore the distinction, read Untangling the Intent & Impact Mismatch.
When each person owns their part, the relationship can be restored without anyone being made wrong. Clearing the disconnect doesn’t mean ignoring what happened. You may still need to make a request, offer correction, or address a commitment. But those conversations are not the cleanup itself. A cleanup is not a failure because the behavior doesn’t change. Sometimes the situation changes, and sometimes it doesn’t. What changes is the space between people.
Once the disconnect is cleared, you can have a much more powerful conversation about the actual issue:
- “I can’t commit to Friday.”
- “What can you commit to?”
- “I can commit to Monday.”
- “Okay. What do we need to change so this doesn’t keep happening?”
That’s the distinction this company came to understand. A cleanup isn’t about fixing someone. It’s about clearing what is in the way of the relationship. Once the disconnect is cleared, you can address the issue together, whether that means making a request, offering correction, or addressing a commitment.
Ready to practice?
The Being For Each Other Cleanup Worksheet is a preparation tool to help you think through a cleanup conversation. It’s a guide to help you consider what happened, what you experienced, what you are responsible for, and what you want to create in the conversation. It isn’t a script or a formula. Every cleanup is unique.
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